Even though sometimes things are ended on a bad note, it doesn't mean it wasn't a good thing. Over the past two months, I've been faced with a decision. The decision was finally made on October 21st. It was the day that I let my Camarilla membership expire. For the first time in years, I didn't renew early, in fact, I didn't care to renew at all. For all the bad times I had had in the past 6 months with the fan club, it did help me in some aspects of my life. I went from a shy and overly reserved person to outgoing and outspoken because of the characters I played. I effectively used my characters to make my own life better for me. I used them to tap the parts of me that I wanted to come out and they're out and a part of me.

Sometimes, when you want to be something else, you have to go to extremes to get there. I chose to make a series of over the top characters and played them over the top as much as I could. The result, I'm balanced with my outspokeness and I'm outgoing these days. The cam helped to make my life better for me. So the cam served its purpose for me. With all good things though, my time in the cam has come to an end.

The truth is, the past 6 months it felt more like a job than a game. I got tired of hearing, "Do this. Act like this. Play your character like this. Why did you do that? Why do you want this?" It got to the point where it just wasn't fun anymore. Then when someone you consider one of your best friends says they want nothing to do with your characters anymore, which sounds to me like, they want nothing to do with me anymore, because the only time I see them is when playing the game, it speaks volumes even if it wasn't meant that way. I've made my appologies, I've reached out and ultimately been ignored through it all. My only question for that person is this: If I wasn't a friend, would I have only bought every book I own with the exception of the ones I had before I met you, from you? Would I have encouraged everyone to buy their books from you? Would your store have been my first choice to shop at for Christmas presents every year since I met you? The truth is, it wouldn't have been. But I did do all that. I did buy all my books from you, I did go to your store to shop for Christmas presents every year. So I hope you do see I am your friend and I do care about you and yours. I still want to be your friend.

For all the heartache recently, I still value everything that I learned in the cam, not only about the games and the people, but myself too. It was a good experience. It brought something to my life that can't be replaced. It really comes down to, I'm leaving because of where I am in my life and where I want to be. I can't achieve what I want for my life, by spending more time pretending to live a character's life than living my own. I got to where I spent more time invested in a character's life than my own. I would have rather been my character than myself. Since walking away and taking my break, I've rediscovered my life and living it. I've never been happier. I love my job again, I have been making friends outside of the Cam and I have a beautiful and amazing girlfriend. Everything I envied about other people, I'm getting. All because I made the committment to live my own life. I will always enjoy role-playing and continue to play role-play games in some way for the rest of my life. Heck I might even come back to the cam one day, but right now, the cam just doesn't fit my life.

I want to thank a few people for making the experience something I'll never forget and forever changing me through RP.

Jim, Dee, Randy, Jon C, Jessica, Willie, Danial, Matt J, Casey Y, Anne, Casey A, Neva, Billy, Joe, Julie, Tina, Charlotte, Kendall, Tasha, Amelia, Anthony, DJ, David D, Eric, Joni, Jeff, Jon E, Bryan, Nathan, Timmy, Jon E, Deb, Jason, Angela, Cheyenne, Liz, Skinny, Glen, Hannah, Arron, Mindy, Jessye, Crystal, Mitch, Logan, Rob O, Jeannie, Sarah, Brittney, Dana, Gevin, Rob B, Brit M, Krista, Candice, Angel, Matt in the UK, Jenny, Austin, Burt and Carrie and many many more that I just can't remember off the top of my head. Thank you all.

Pick a song, and a PC of yours that mine interacts with. Gabriel Cruz only. Michael Mattox now has a separate LJ at michael_mattox.livejournal.com

1. Your PC name
2. Song of choice
3. If I have permission to use your PC for a post reflecting what my character thinks of them.

Recently Michael was staked and remained that way for 6 weeks. During that time he had a great deal of many dreams. One dream in particular dredged up some things from his past that he had long buried and forgotten about. But since he was unstaked, its been the one thing most on his mind as he has become increasingly more family oriented. This is for OOC entertainment only and no knowledge gained here is legal for your own in character play.

[	Tags	|	michael mattox	]
[	Current Location	|	Basement	]
[	mood	|	creative	]
[	music	|	"Bliss" Hinder	]

This is for OOC entertainment only........

Michael stood on his knees outside the Monestary that he had been staying in all week. The first thing that became blatantly obvious to him was the scent. The monestary had been bland and deprived of pleasing smells. Now, as he knelt in the tall grass outside the monestary wearing his robes, he could smell the freshness of the grass, the sweet sap of the trees and the salty air from the nearby ocean flooding his nostrils. It was almost as intoxicating as the scent of a woman to him. The second thing he noticed was the warmth of the air on his skin. Lamar had been so cold for so long that he had almost forgotten what it was like to feel warm air on his skin. To him, it was very much a great evening to meditate.

He didn't really realize that he had knelt facing West tonight. Usually he always faced East, with the direction of fire at his back. For some reason though, this night he knew he needed to face the direction of fire. He quietly began to conduct his meditation ritual. He spread his arms apart and tilted his head back in praise to his Gods and recited the poem he'd grown to love so much:

Asked my father if I´d see
My kin gone on before me
He took me upon his knee
And pointd out across the sea

Asked my father if I´d sail
With sword in hand and a coat of mail
I´ve a blade for you, he said
It reaps the fields which feed our stead.

In death they go
On dragon ships row
Always they know
Always they know
Go as your fathers go

Asked my father how to be
As wise and brave and strong as he
Trú to the Gods and Goddesses both
With golden ring then make your oath

In death they go
On dragon ships row
Always they know
Always they know
Go as your fathers go

He then reached to the rope holding his robes closed around his waist and pulled his new Athame from the sheeth and grasped it with both hands and pointed it towards the heavens and spoke, "Odin, let my offering feed you and yours. Let the blood I give to you fuel your righteousness and earn your favor." With the words spoken, he pulled the Athame to chest level and cut his wrist. He then held out his wrist and began to bleed into the patch of clovers in front of him. He bled there for quite a long time, draining himself of his own life force to give to Odin and his. He could feel himself growing weaker as the vitae covered the earth before him. His eyes began to grow heavy and he could no longer let himself bleed. He healed the wound to his wrist and closed his eyes to meditate.

After only a few seconds, he could see the bright red color behind his eyelids indicating a bright light. He snapped his eyes open and reached for his Athame. As soon as his hand reached his Athame he could feel a warm tingle throughout his body. It wasn't the kind that would unnerve him though. There was comfort in the tingling. It was somehow familiar. The feeling of how the Mattox Mansion had felt when he lived there. He watched the bright light in front of him. As he stared, he could say it taking shape and he could see a familiar face in the light. Familiar, but different. He opened his mouth as he realized who he was looking at. He whispered so softly that he couldn't even hear the name himself as he spoke it, "Josephine...."

The face in the light nodded with the warmest smile he had ever seen. Michael could feel himself becoming overwhelmed with emotion and tears began to flow from his eyes. Not blood tears, but real tears. With the tears came the sobs of despair and the pain he had been feeling from the loss of his family. He closed his eyes to force the tears back and he could hear a warm, comforting sound echoing from the light, "Shhhhhh, It's okay Michael. I am at peace." He then opened his eyes as he could feel the tears being wiped away from his face. He looked to his left to see the face of his sire, Tsukiko, in bright light. As he looked into the eyes of his mother, his grandsire spoke again, "Michael, you have to forgive yourself. We are all at peace. What happened was not your fault. Let us rest. Let yourself rest. We can see what this is doing to you. End it. Be the man we know you can be and let the hate and anger go. Forgive yourself, it was not your fault." Josephine's voice faded and Tsukiko spoke softly, "We love you Michael. Don't destroy yourself. Let it go." In that instant, the lights faded and they were gone.

A moment later, Michael opened his eyes and looked around frantically for his sire and grandsire, but they were nowhere in sight. He looked at his Athame on his hip and shook his head. "I had that in my hand." he said outloud. He scratched his head in puzzlement. He felt strange and decided to gather his things and go back into the monestary. His mind turned over everything that he had seen and heard. He reached up to his cheeks and felt no tears. He knew the message was clear, but he didn't know where it came from. He was left with a burning question, "Was it really them?"

This takes place tonight at Gabriel's Aunt Cora's home. Its for OOC entertainment only. So keep that in mind when reading it.

[	Tags	|	gabriel cruz	]
[	Current Location	|	Basement	]
[	mood	|	accomplished	]
[	music	|	"Have A Little Faith In Me" Joe Cocker	]

This took place today. In the early hours of the morning. Not much to gain from in OOC knowledge, but the same rules apply. OOC entertainment only.

[	Current Location	|	Brother's House in Montgomery City	]
[	mood	|	bouncy	]
[	music	|	"Beer or Gasoline" Chris Young	]

ICC was the shiznit. Not because of plot or anything like that. If you ask me, the ST staff did a piss poor job of getting everyone involved. I think they just geared the game towards the big name players and characters. So I give the ST staff a big fucking *F*. Now to the reason it was the shiznit for me. Because I made it the Shiznit. I met some really cool people and enjoyed the hell out of RPing with them. I remember mostly character names. First was a beautiful woman who plays a Daeva Crone named "G", she was awesome to RP with and seemed to take a liking to my character. She introduced me to a Gangrel Accountant named Cody. He was very cool as well. The soft RP Daeva party was a fun thing for me, even if my character thought the party sucked. He's a Nos Thrillseeker, what can I say.

Night two (Friday)was the Grand Ballo. It was a fun experience even though I didn't dance with anyone. I got two left feet when it comes to Ballroom dancing. I for one enjoyed the RP before the Ball. I met the characters Lord Arawn Vitelion and Ms. Gabrielle Morgan. They were awesome since I've RPed on IRC with them before. It was good fun with them. Vitelion has an interesting story going and he is pulling some major shit which I am privvy to. :) It was before the Ball that I also saw Rene Solarii for the first time. Talk about an insane fuckin costume. A Gas mask with a back pack worn over a leather jacket. he also wore a hood over his head. My character's first impression was, "This fuckin guy wants to be the voice of the clan?" OOCly his costume was alright, but IC'ly, what planet did this fuckin guy come from? As for the Ball, Mack and Michael had fun making fun of people. I think the best part of the Ball was, watching the ST's tell all of the Lancea Sanctum that they all just fell onto the ground suddenly. Which I thought was awesome considering Father General "Fuzz Nuts." was standing on a chair at the time. Afterward, when they all came to, they started chanting something about answering the call and I got the fuck out. Michael being a Crone, I wasn't going to keep him there. Comical Note: Michael asked Demetri to dance as well as Mack. One of the best parts of the Ball on an OOC level was I finally met up with Krista. And she is without a doubt, a beautiful redhead and I hope you are reading this Krista.

So Saturday was the final night of RP. But before that I attended two Covenant Seminars. I missed the Crone one due to sleep. Yes, Sleep is good. I sat in for the Lancea Sanctum and Invictus Seminars. Its obvious why I sat in on the LS one, but I sat in on the Invictus one to get a better understanding of what I'll be playing in the event I lose one of my characters. I can honestly say this, if the Covenant is played right by all players, the Invictus can be without a doubt the best covenant to play. I was very impressed with the Seminar and it ran 25 minutes longer than scheduled. It was great. Also Saturday I finally got to catch up with Tisha who plays a Gangrel that my Nos has a character tie too. She's another cutie that I enjoyed getting to RP with this weekend. As for the the Game stuff Saturday, as I said before, it was geared towards the big name players and big name characters. I honestly think that the ST Staff could've brought it a hell of a lot better than they did. I for one though enterained myself with my Nos, doing what he would do. So he and Mack sat back and picked people out of the crowd and made wild guesses about where the one picked lost their Virginity. It was funny that Michael determined that Father General had never been laid. That's funny I don't care who you are. Git-r-done.

So, I guess I should say, I will be going to ICC Nashville next year. Maybe the ST Staff will do better next year. As I said, what made ICC great for me, was what I did with it. It may not have appeared like I did much in the games, but I did a lot more than I normally would at a game full of people I didn't know. My long term goal for next year, is to be more confident and build off of the confidence in myself that I found this year. I may not have met 50-100 people IC'ly, but I did meet a good 10 that helped make the event a memorable one. They aren't major players or major characters in the global scheme, but they enriched my game so, thank you to:

Azral
Lord Arawn Vitelion
Ms. Gabrielle Morgan
Asuka
G
Cody the Gangrel Accountant
Anastasia Romanova
George Goodcab
Saint Levram Kard (Even though it was a brief scene)
Edward from England (An Architect of the Monoliths)

There are many more to thank, but these 10 made the biggest impression. And a Big extra Special Thank You to Crystal Remy for pointing out someone I really wanted to meet.

M_I_A sits on Levram's lap, "I want a pony and a sports car and a spear like Longinus' for Christmas."

·        I will not call Caderyn a “bloody Welsh sheep bugger” to his face.

-Even if it’s true.

·        I will not refer to Cornell as “That loony Ventrue who likes to fuck little boys”.

-Even if it’s true.

·        I will not Frenzy on visiting Invictus Princes.

-Even if they speak of the Lancea Sanctum wanting to sleep with the Crone.

-Or call Longinus a “dusty old fool”.

·        I will not hold up my right fist and walk around as an example of ‘Black power’.

·        I will not hold Black Mass that involves the torture of a mortal without first informing my parish.

·        I will not publicly insult Cardinal Callaghan by referring to him as “fuckin’ Bad Touch”.

·        I will not use “we have force lightning” as a sufficient argument for converting Kindred from other covenants.

·        I will not suggest that the Lancea Sanctum eliminate the title “Cardinal” for the (arguably more intimidating) title Darth.

·        I will not flash mental images of Lord Edward Savage in a Speedo and cape with an Invictus ‘I’ on his chest (a representation of being the Reeve of the Trust) into Elizabeth Brooke’s mind during Invictus meetings.

·        I will not insist that elder members of the Invictus watch Monty Python as an historical document.

·        I will not imply (or flat out declare) that an Invictus gentleman is a woman.

·        I will not publicly humiliate respected members of other covenants for my own amusement.

-Or the amusement of Elizabeth Brooke.

·        I will not attempt to make prominent members of other covenants into furniture.

·        I will not answer the door to rooms in havens that do not belong to me.

·        I will not insist that Alex Thibedeaux is an odd mix of Admiral Akbar, Han Solo and Jesus Christ.

-Even if he is.

·        I will not ask Dr. Lukav to sign his comics in front of Kindred who have been negatively featured in them.

·        I will not refer to Shaitan as “That power-ranger-lookin’ motherfucker”

-Even if he is

·        I will not cue the Imperial March when Mackenzie enters a room.

-Or Dirae.

-Or Caderyn.

·        I will not bloodbond a Jew and set him free in a forest so that I can take Cornell ‘hunting’

·        I will not rent an arena, a lion, and a Jew so that Cornell can feel more at home.

·       I will not make bets with December about who can make Tiernan frenzy first.

·       I will not call attention to the fact that Tiernan's "kill signal" resembles a sexually explicit gesture.

·       I will not announce Mackenzie's entrance into a formal court by impersonating a Soccer announcer.

·       I will not aide Santos in spreading "The Gospel of Archer White" around the globe.

·       I will not travel from hotel to hotel all over the US leaving copies of the Testament of Longinus in each room.

·       I will not swear Invictus fealty to Archer White.

-No matter how amusing we would find it.